“Its the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live through. I’ll go for a couple of days, and then i’m back to where i was before, and i wonder what its going to be like in 5 years. Someone i know who’s experienced a suicide told me that the pain eventually gets a little more numb, but i don’t know. it just has to be the hardest thing to go though. Its like my own personal holocaust” (A survivor) – Silent Grief, Living in the Wake of Suicide – Christopher Lukas, Henry M Seiden (Chapter 4)

If you have come to read this, then most likely someone you love has recently committed suicide. As an anonymous member of the ‘internet community’ I am sincerely sorry for your loss. The first thing you need to know is regardless of feelings like ‘they left me’ or ‘I wasnt good enough’ that person loved you very much. 

You are now (what other people who have lost a loved one call themselves)… a ‘survivor’. You are beginning a life journey, toward healing a deep wound which will eventually be cauterized. Given time and healing, it will galvanise you as a forever veteran of suicide loss; A life experience the majority of people will never understand. 

Like yourself, I went to books and the internet to try and make sense of what had happened. I remembered reading an ‘introduction apology’ over my loved ones death, just like the one I’ve written above. I remember at the time feeling that apology somewhat insincere, ‘without offense, you have no idea’. 

As I write this, one year on from my fathers death, that person certainly did have ‘an idea’ on how to surviving .In hindsight I suppose its difficult for a fellow survivor to remember, what is the best thing ‘they could say to themselves’ immediately after their loved one took their own life. Ive often read there is no one thing other survivors can say to you at this stage that will ‘make you feel like things will eventually be OK’. Indeed most publications on ‘surviving suicide’ are written by survivors themselves, starting with an eternal dedication toward their deceased loved one. 

Secondly, whilst we are all alone on our own journeys, you are not alone in having had to live through this ‘complicated’ grief. Third, its true what you’ve read so far as so adequatley put above ‘..i’ve had to live through‘. You must take it day by day and you can and will survive this trauma. With much time and understanding (hopefully gained from this website) you will begin to forge yourself what ‘survivors’ term a “new normal”. You will reach states of happiness again. Though you will always miss your loved one. They will never be forgotten, which is a beautiful thing for you and for them.

As an aside, picture your brain being dumped with an enormous pile of paper work on it desk, by your heart. Your heart has been instantly overwhelmed by the suicide and in its panic has now assembled a tower of questions, most being impossible to answer. 

Trying to hide its despair and appear ‘in control’, your heart orders your brain to ‘have it all done by first thing tomorrow morning’. Not only does your brain say it cant cope, but “we used to be mates/buddies during the old 9-5 workday?!” 

So your heart is a nervous wreck trying to regain the helm and your brain is stressed to the max, being ordered to do the impossible. And they both sit there screaming at each other and pulling their hair out. Its an entirely overwhelming situation and it’s brutally exhausting on your body.

You have to learn things will eventually be OK again for yourself, by yourself. Gradually and at your own pace. Be reassured there is nothing you can do about this, you can not speed up time and you must allow time for healing. Your brain must be allowed the time it needs to progress from distress, to exhaustion, then plateau on a prolonged sadness leading ultimately toward a level of acceptance. At the moment this can feel like an excruciatingly slow and painful process, you don’t know how you’ll make it to the end of the week, let alone ‘wait to feel better’ in a month; 

Eventually you will feel you are able to cope again, this will be your “new normal“. Your new way of living, where once again things are generally OK, and you are somewhat back in control of your life. Even though such an incredibly important person from your former life is no longer with you in this life. So if you feel what you have read so far is relevant, that’s great.. Maybe my experience can help you, as so many other survivors on the anonymous internet helped me. If you are in shock and don’t know what to do/expect you may first need some HELP! 

This is a kind of guidance on the next few days/weeks/months (based on my experience). You may also want to read some Reassuring wisdom written mostly by other Survivors of Suicide. To give you perspective on the position you are now in.  

If you are trying to understand how this happens to a friend or a friends family, perhaps reading my views on the ’causes’ of suicide is a good start. Again it is a terrible thing you are having to live though and maybe this website can assist you and ease the pain, in you forging your way on a new journey toward your own “new normal”.